My mother is the same person she always was, and always will be.  She's quiet for a long time, then she gets a hair up her ass and then starts acting up, then I have to post a new sign in the house.  Rinse, lather, repeat.  I am tired talking about it.  She's almost done smoking....just a couple more days.  I gave her one last pack last month, now she's on her second pack that I've bought and I cut each one in half.  I am trying to wean her off in the nicest way possible.  I even put up a calendar for her she will know when they are done.  

You think that will help?  Probably not.  But still, I tried.  

In other news, I went back to the therapist I like.  And he's cool with being my therapist.  I hope he stays being cool with it.  

In other, other news, I (my husband and myself) made $300 at an author fair for our books this past weekend.  It was kind of badass :)  I almost sold out and my hubby sold out with one of his books.  And he's doing amazing with building an audience and a business doing this.  I am such a dork, and I HATE HATE HATE selling myself, but I still sold books, so that's something.  But also, it's my badass cover I designed that's selling it.  So I hope they actually like the book :)  

In other other other news, I get a biopsy next week for my boobsicle.  I had two mammograms, I need another one in 6 months, and I hope my biopsy comes back normal.  I am freaking out a little bit.  But I hope it will be okay.  I am just not thinking about it as much as possible.  

I JUST had a hysterectomy and lost an ovary....and now I have hot flashes every fucking night.  Sigh. But I can't complain, at least I won't have adenomyosis anymore and I won't be pain.  So there's tthat.  And my filthy Mirena IUD is gone (and guess what?? THE DAY IT CAME OUT my blood pressure??? went back to freaking normal!! WHOO HOO!!).  

I am getting ready to launch my YouTube channel, too.  Not about maternal narcissism (though I really should make one), but about me as an author and my stories.  I need to get started on that, but my head is full of cotton again.  I should really do it anyways, cotton or not.  

And I need to finish writing my latest book.  I am almost done.  I just need to do it.  Perhaps I'll do it right now?  Hmm, well, I will try.  Wish me luck.  

Until next time.   

I've seen way too many therapists this year already.  Patrick switched me to Jessamine and I don't like her.  I really liked Patrick.  He was my style of personality.  Whereas Jessamine is so quiet, I can't hear her and she just does the repeating thing and the other thing where they just say "Wow, that sounds hard" rather than actually talk to you about what's going on or ask any questions?  Patrick asked questions.  Patrick talked to me like a person, whereas with the other therapists, I felt like there was this HUGE divide between us, like doctor and patient.  And not just any doctor, but the kind that thinks you're an idiot and they know best.  It's like, duuuuuude, I've lived with my mental illnesses for almost 50 years...you've studied it for like what?  Five minutes compared to that?  *sigh*  

I am going to ask Patrick if I can go back to him.  I don't want to waste a freaking second with someone I don't like.  Because my husband is going back to work soon and I will lose my insurance and I will no longer be able to see a therapist...so why even waste one moment with someone that gives me panic attacks? (I had a panic attack the entire time I was there--I never once felt that way with Patrick).  

THIS JUST IN:  I just talked to my old therapist, the one I supposedly owe hundreds of dollars to because my insurance didn't pay, and I found out she's not a licensed therapist and is practicing therapy on her own...which is illegal.  And now, I need to tell her old office that they can't bill me for something illegal, as they employed her (though, it depends on if she was working on her licensure, which I don't think she was).  And I am going to call the licensing board and report her for practicing without a license.  Because WTF???  THIS is the type of medical care we get with medical cards, ladies and gentlemen.  And now this crazy woman is charging $150/hr for doing therapy without a license!

Okay, I just messaged Patrick.  I hope he will take me back, as I want someone I am comfortable with.  As ALL of these other therapists are giving me trauma LOL  I honestly don't feel listened to or taken seriously by any of them.  Each time, I feel like I let my guard down, only to have them stomp all over it.  Not so much with Jessamine, but she did remind me of someone who did, which now I have horrible anxiety about seeing her again.  I want to see a therapist I actually LIKE seeing.  One that doesn't give me anxiety.  When I saw Jessamine, my anxiety got so bad?  I couldn't see.  Like the entire room went blurry...that's rare for me.  It's happened before, but it's super scary and I know I don't belong in a situation that makes me feel that bad.  I also started having horrible internal tremors, which was my adrenaline, but they got so bad that I started panicking even harder.  I had to remind myself "This is just anxiety, calm down, you weirdo!" and I did, but still.  Why see a therapist who makes me feel that way?  

If he refuses, I am done.  No more therapy for me.  I FINALLY find one I jive with and he wants to send me to someone else?  Nope.  Not doing this anymore.  It's not worth it.  It's not worth my time or having these people traumatize me more than I already am.  

God I hate people.  I really do.  I don't want to, but so many people are such a let down because so many are narcissists.  I need to stop being traumatized by getting narcissistic therapists (or narcissistic adjacent) or by therapists I actually think are quite good who don't want to see me.  It's like, what on earth is even going on here?  AND I want to start my meditation group, but I am terrified these people are going to stress me out due to their shitty behavior.  OR I will find people who I get along with, but will reject me because I stress them out (or whatever reason).  

And this is why I don't have friends.  People stress me the fuck out.  

I just hope that when I start my meditation healing group, I can just get in there, meditate, and we can all just be zen about everything.  No drama.  

Okay, that's my annoyance for today.  I am not meant for human interaction LOL  Sigh.  I need to go meditate.  

 "She let my cat die alone in the cat litter."

This is the story I've been telling since Dobby died.  Dobby was a large back and a little white cat we had since our first apartment in 2005.  He passed away in the late teens due to FIV.  And my mother refused to have him put down and he died in the cat litter in her basement.  He was my cat, but she took him in after we moved a block away from her and we were right on the busy road.  Dobby was a roamer (he was fixed, but loved to travel) and we didn't want him hit by a car.  So he moved in with my mom a block down the street, away from the busy road.  He was 15lbs of pure muscle.  His brother, Harry, was a fat orange cat and was 15lbs of pure chub.  They loved each other and would sleep on each other and wash each other.  Both had very different personalities.  Harry was scared of most things, whereas Dobby was fearless.  Harry was lazy, whereas Dobby was always on the go.  As they got older, they lazed around in the yard most days.  And Dobby got sicker and sicker as time went on and passed away around 2015 or so.  Harry didn't die until 2022, both of natural causes, but we had to put Harry down as he was suffering greatly. 

But so was Dobby.  And my mother knew this and never took him to the vet and just let him die, alone, in the cat litter, in the dank basement of her apartment building.  

I was furious, because she had the money, she just didn't want to do it.  

But two days ago, my mother brought him up, because her cat Sabrina is dying.  She said "You better get a box."  I said "If she's dying, we will take her to be put down."  She said "No!"  I said "Well, I am not going to let her suffer!"  She said "She's not suffering!"  I said "Well, then she's not dying."  But she is.  She's a skeleton with fur.  And she's almost 18 years old.  

She then said "You remember Dobby?  I found him him the cat litter, and he wasn't dead yet, so I brought him upstairs, and he looked out the window and died in my arms."  Even through dementia my mother always has to pretend she's hero.  She's always the winner, always the person who saves the day, always the one on top.  Why is that so important?  I mean, I get it, it feels nice to be winner, right?  But how does it feel good to fake it?  How does that make anyone feel better?  It's untrue and they know it.  Or maybe they believe their lies?  

I know my mother does most of the time.  She recently made up this story about how her insurance paid for her to have a walker with wheels on it, you know, the kind with the seat?  And she keeps wanting her insurance to buy her another one. I said "Your insurance never bought you one, you've said this story before and I've already corrected you.  I bought you that walker.  Not the insurance.  I don't know why you keep saying that."  She said "Oh wow, my mind must be really gone!"  I literally looked at her said "Yup, your brain likes to make things up."  Because all she does is lie.  And she's done that for her whole life.  

"Well, this situation seems like it makes me look bad, it certainly couldn't have happened that way, so it must have happened a different way..." says her brain, while she makes up a new and improved version of whatever story she's trying to remember.    

So now apparently, she held Dobby as he died.  Bullshit.  My cat died alone in the cat litter when he could have been brought to the vet to be put down.  

Here's the thing, recently before that, around a year before, she took my two other cats, and put them down without telling me!  I didn't even get to say goodbye to them!  So why make Dobby suffer?  Literally nothing she does or says ever makes any sense.  

I feel sorry for her.  I honestly do.  It must be so horrible to live with a brain like that.  To not be able to trust your memories, because of how much you lie.  To never feel good enough, so you lie about how amazing you are.  And to let that make you feel good about yourself.  To not feel shame when you lie because to you, the truth doesn't matter as much as adoration does.  To be so fake in a world that allows for fakeness because people are too stupid to question it otherwise, but when they finally do catch you, the world will cast you out quicker than flicking a switch.  It's like, how can you be so precariously perched on the wall of life like that, always teetering to one side or other, moments away from losing all your adoration.  But that's okay, those people were assholes anyways, now you can move to new people to dupe instead!  And the cycle starts over again.  It's sad and sick and weird and strange that so many people live this way every single day.  

Why?  Why does narcissism exist?  How did it happen?  And why do so many people have it?  

I prefer reality.  Yes, it's not as fun.  Sometimes I wish I was still a sheep.  But once your eyes are opened, all you see is how fake the world is sometimes and how many narcissists are living in it.  

I won't correct her about Dobby.  Not today.  But if she brings it up again I will.  And I am sure she will double down about her lie.  It doesn't matter.  It doesn't change the truth.  But god, it makes me wonder, how many lies did she tell me my whole life?  I bet most of the things she told me were lies.  I mean, I already found out about so many of them.  But I bet there are infinite more.  It makes me question everything I know from childhood.  We all should.  Because all narcissists are liars.  But pay attention to the stories about your narcissistic mother being the hero.  Because I bet you fifty farts every single one is made up.