I've seen way too many therapists this year already.  Patrick switched me to Jessamine and I don't like her.  I really liked Patrick.  He was my style of personality.  Whereas Jessamine is so quiet, I can't hear her and she just does the repeating thing and the other thing where they just say "Wow, that sounds hard" rather than actually talk to you about what's going on or ask any questions?  Patrick asked questions.  Patrick talked to me like a person, whereas with the other therapists, I felt like there was this HUGE divide between us, like doctor and patient.  And not just any doctor, but the kind that thinks you're an idiot and they know best.  It's like, duuuuuude, I've lived with my mental illnesses for almost 50 years...you've studied it for like what?  Five minutes compared to that?  *sigh*  

I am going to ask Patrick if I can go back to him.  I don't want to waste a freaking second with someone I don't like.  Because my husband is going back to work soon and I will lose my insurance and I will no longer be able to see a therapist...so why even waste one moment with someone that gives me panic attacks? (I had a panic attack the entire time I was there--I never once felt that way with Patrick).  

THIS JUST IN:  I just talked to my old therapist, the one I supposedly owe hundreds of dollars to because my insurance didn't pay, and I found out she's not a licensed therapist and is practicing therapy on her own...which is illegal.  And now, I need to tell her old office that they can't bill me for something illegal, as they employed her (though, it depends on if she was working on her licensure, which I don't think she was).  And I am going to call the licensing board and report her for practicing without a license.  Because WTF???  THIS is the type of medical care we get with medical cards, ladies and gentlemen.  And now this crazy woman is charging $150/hr for doing therapy without a license!

Okay, I just messaged Patrick.  I hope he will take me back, as I want someone I am comfortable with.  As ALL of these other therapists are giving me trauma LOL  I honestly don't feel listened to or taken seriously by any of them.  Each time, I feel like I let my guard down, only to have them stomp all over it.  Not so much with Jessamine, but she did remind me of someone who did, which now I have horrible anxiety about seeing her again.  I want to see a therapist I actually LIKE seeing.  One that doesn't give me anxiety.  When I saw Jessamine, my anxiety got so bad?  I couldn't see.  Like the entire room went blurry...that's rare for me.  It's happened before, but it's super scary and I know I don't belong in a situation that makes me feel that bad.  I also started having horrible internal tremors, which was my adrenaline, but they got so bad that I started panicking even harder.  I had to remind myself "This is just anxiety, calm down, you weirdo!" and I did, but still.  Why see a therapist who makes me feel that way?  

If he refuses, I am done.  No more therapy for me.  I FINALLY find one I jive with and he wants to send me to someone else?  Nope.  Not doing this anymore.  It's not worth it.  It's not worth my time or having these people traumatize me more than I already am.  

God I hate people.  I really do.  I don't want to, but so many people are such a let down because so many are narcissists.  I need to stop being traumatized by getting narcissistic therapists (or narcissistic adjacent) or by therapists I actually think are quite good who don't want to see me.  It's like, what on earth is even going on here?  AND I want to start my meditation group, but I am terrified these people are going to stress me out due to their shitty behavior.  OR I will find people who I get along with, but will reject me because I stress them out (or whatever reason).  

And this is why I don't have friends.  People stress me the fuck out.  

I just hope that when I start my meditation healing group, I can just get in there, meditate, and we can all just be zen about everything.  No drama.  

Okay, that's my annoyance for today.  I am not meant for human interaction LOL  Sigh.  I need to go meditate.