I never hang out with my mother.  Because when I do, she knows I am her scapegoat, and uses that as much as she can.  But lately, she's been so much better.  Why did I think that would stay?  I assumed she was done with all that.  Goes to show, that she's never done and never will be.  

She felt in control yesterday.  And you know as well I as I do, if you give a mouse a cookie...

Give this old woman a tiny bit of control back (or rather, now, the illusion of control) and BAM!  She becomes an insatiable hole of needing more and more and more.  That's a visual for ya, eh?  She thought that because the doctor was funny, she could then, under the premise of being funny, be annoyed and rude and act like I was being an asshole because I made her stop smoking and I don't let her clean my kitchen and I don't let her go to Walgreens and shop.  She even had the nerve to say when he asked her if she smokes and I piped up and said "Oh she just quit!", she rolled her eyes and said "Well, I quit, but I don't if I will stay quit" with exasperation in her voice.  I laughed and said "Funny, you won't have anyone to buy you cigarettes so it's not your choice".  The funny part is that I let her get the accolades for quitting, even though it wasn't her choice.  Not one bit.  She didn't want them though.  She wanted to pretend that either a) I was forcing her (though that's the truth) (which she told the nurse) or b) it was her choice, but she could just as easily go right back (which she told the doctor).  

She also bitched I wouldn't let her clean anymore.  I do let her clean.  But not my kitchen.  I can't trust her.  She uses the freaking scrubbie she cleans the toilet with to clean my stove!  Yuck!  If she had pressed on about that, I would have said that.  I did speak up when the doc asked if we've gotten our flu or covid shots last year, I said no, nobody in the house was working during flu season so we didn't.  Then she said in another exasperated voice "Yeah, they won't let me shop!"  I knew exactly what she was talking about.  I even wrote about it on here.  But I pretended not to.  I said "Shop?  For a vaccine?"  She said "At Walgreens!  I wanted to get my shot so I could shop!"  I immediately came back with "Well, some diabetic I know will fill her cart up with $100 worth of candy when she goes there, so I wonder why we couldn't go."  I should have added "Wow, you're tricky, you tried to trick me into letting you go to Walgreens to get your flu shot just so to go shopping?  Wow.  I'll have to remember that."  But I didn't.  I just let her feel dumb about the candy.  She wants to act like I am being an asshole to her?  Then I will her be the one to look like one with the truth.  

But these instances were nothing compared to what she did after.  

I had three meds I took with me for him to refill.  He told her to stop taking her blood sugar every single day.  That her sugars were fine and at her age, they should be a little high otherwise she could get low blood sugar and that could hurt her (if she forgets to eat, etc.).  And hers are just a little high.  So the test strips I needed a refill on didn't need a refill.  

Then I had two meds.  I needed one med called into the VA and other med refilled at Walgreens, but only a 30 day script, so then we can get a 90 day later from the VA.  I just needed the meds filled sooner because the VA takes more than two weeks to get her meds to her.  A little complicated, but he got confused and then that made me freak out thinking I explained it wrong and so I got tongue-tied.  I don't stutter when I get nervous (though I can) but I do get my brain in a knot and that makes my words come out wrong.  When I am put on the spot, I can't think straight as it is, so I was lucky to get that out the first time.  And then when this happened, my mom laughed at me and started saying shit.  "So, do you need a refill or not?" she said in a huffy voice, while laughing, trying to make me look stupid to the doctor.  

What.  The.  Fuck.  

I about walked out out of the room.  

But I didn't, I just ignored her and repeated myself and he got it and we moved on, both of us ignoring her.  

It was horrible, but it was the best it could be, with him ignoring her asshole behavior and us pretending like she wasn't there.  But she hasn't done that in so long to me, I almost forgot she ever did it.  But I am reminded now.  And fuck her.  This was just like her back in the day playing Yahtzee with me (which she only did in order to get her narcissistic supply) and picking on me because my brain would freeze up with when I would do math (turns out, I have dyscalculia, something I've written about on here--it's the number version of dyslexia).  She literally played that game with me on purpose to make fun of me.  

Who the fuck does that to a child?  Who is so stupid that they would have to feel superior to a child?  Because of you're superior in most ways, you're a freaking adult!  But that wasn't enough for her.  I think because she has a low IQ that she needed to feel superior to me because even at 8, I was smarter than she was.  You should have seen the day she did my math homework for me and I came home and all the problems I did were right, and all the ones she did were wrong.  And I was so proud of myself and found it so hilarious that for ONCE I beat my mother at math!  She was LIVID and it ended with her giving me the silent treatment for however long.  

Just to be clear, when I say "beat my mother at math", she wasn't good at math.  This was adding.  Adding, that's it.  Your basic garden variety 2nd grade addition.  That's what she can do.  I did better in multiplication, which is what she got all wrong.  Because anything harder than addition, she couldn't do.  I am not making fun of her, as she probably has a math issue, too, but the sheer fact that she shamed me every single day for years and years and years for my math learning disability (also for reading clocks...she'd quiz me to laugh at me--she tried that 5 years ago when we moved in here, too!) when she can't do math herself is just bullshit.  

I think that makes her sort of a monster.  

Yes, I know her own inadequacies are what fuels her behavior.  Her simple mind says "I feel bad about myself, let me make myself feel better by making someone look dumber than us!".  I get that.  But isn't that what a monster does?  At least just a little?  Especially to a child.  

But if you think about it, what kind of fucking idiot do you have to be do that to a kid?  Like, literally stupid.  So, the next time you think about your parent picking on you as a kid (and beyond)?  Know that they had to pretty fucking stupid in order to feel intellectually superior to a kid.  And if they still do their best to make you feel stupid, you have to laugh at them.  Because they're just beating the same old dead horse "I have relive you being a stupid little kid when I was smarter than you so I can feel better about myself!" They aren't picking on you now, they are reliving their glory days when you actually didn't know as much as they did (or maybe you did, maybe you knew more and they had to remind you that you're just a dumb little kid).  They know if they pick on you now, you will revert to being a kid and their humiliation will have the same effect.  

So, let's work on stop letting them have the upper hand.  You know what I am going to do?  I am to heal that little girl inside of me (remember, we have inner children, not a single inner child, inside of us) who used to be humiliated playing Yahtzee by going to the resale shop today and buying that game and playing it right in the kitchen with my husband right in front her ass.  And she will say "Oh we used to play that all the time!" and I will say "I remember.  You used to humiliate me for your own pleasure because I didn't do math fast enough for you.  I am glad I never have to play this game with you ever again."  

Let's hope my kids will be busy so they aren't in the room when I say it (well, my oldest, my youngest doesn't care), as it makes him uncomfortable when I stand up to her.  

This will not only help to heal that little girl by calling my mother out on her shit, but it will let her know that humiliating me will only be met with me doing it right back to her.  I am not 8 anymore.  I am almost 48.  Over forty fucking years of this shit.  

I keep saying that 2025 is my feral year.  So, I am accepting my feral-ness as it comes and just going with it.  Because I am tired of just letting these bastards just getting away with saying whatever they like to me or treating me like shit and I just sit there and take it.  So, now, I am learning to snap back.  I couldn't yesterday in the doctor's office because I didn't want to argue in front the doc "Mom, that's not nice, this doesn't concern you, be quiet".  But I can today.  

Because fuck this.  I am not a little kid anymore.  I have nothing to fear from her anymore.  I am in control of my own life.  I don't need to allow her to treat me like shit just to make her feel better about herself.  And I don't need to allow myself to be that little girl who felt stupid as fuck in her mother's presence.  My mother is an idiot.  I should have always laughed at her when she picked on me, knowing that she only did it because she felt dumb.  It would have made my life worse had I done it, so it was best I allowed it to hurt me.  But it wasn't best in the long run.  

But I can fix it now.  At least little by little.  And today I will go get a Yahtzee game and let that little girl get some healing.  

I suggest you do the same: let today be the day you go out and do something for one of your inner children to heal.  

Until next time.  

Oh and no, I won't be taking her to many places this season.  But I will take her for her birthday.  But that's it.  I am not subjecting myself to more of this shit, no more than I have to.  


UPDATE: 

I got a really nice Yahtzee set, which I will be playing today right smack dab in the kitchen for her to see LOL